“I’m pretty sure it’s because the leaders of the Church were racist.”
I remember saying this during a conversation with other missionaries at the Provo mission training center back in 2012. The discussion had been centered around the LDS Church’s infamous ban on people of African descent holding the priesthood or receiving temple blessings. A few different theories had been discussed up to that point, but my simple explanation was met with blank stares and one missionary nervously sputtering out, “Uhh, I’ve never heard of that before.”
Perhaps it’s because I didn’t grow up in the church, so the idea of perfect, infallible leaders was not continuously drilled into my head; or perhaps it’s because being a person of color in America necessitates a certain level of cognitive dissonance. Maybe it’s just wishful thinking. Whatever it is, I’ve never really had a problem admitting the wrongs of leaders of my Church while also continuing to faithfully believe in the parts I feel to be true. In my mind, two things can be true at the same time.
For example, the early leaders of the Church (cough cough* Brigham Young) could have been extremely racist and implemented racist policies, but they also could have been chosen by God to lead the Church and be otherwise inspired men.
Joseph Smith may have lifted much of the temple ceremony from freemasonry while also being inspired by God to restore sacred covenants to the Earth through that same ceremony.
Leaders of the Church can spew rhetoric and implement policies that harm people in the LGBTQ community, and I can still believe that someday the church will receive further revelation regarding them that will bring healing and peace to all. This last one may be hard for my friends from the LGBTQ community to understand. How can I continue to attend and monetarily support an institution that causes so much harm to people I care about? I struggle with that one myself. All I can say is I believe what I believe for a reason, but at the end of the day I will always choose those I love over the Church. If it’s really God’s plan that gay couples will be excluded from heaven, then I don’t want to be a part of that plan. I don’t believe that is His plan, of course, and I hope and pray that someday the Church and its doctrine will reflect greater inclusion and love for all.
There’s many other examples I could name, but I think you get the point. I don’t believe it’s possible to be honest with oneself or God without acknowledging that the Church and it’s leaders are not always right. I’m sure anyone on the outside of the Church just read that statement and thought, “Well, duh.” For a lot of people on the inside, though, it’s not that simple!
I want to share an experience here that I’ve only ever shared with a few people. It is sacred to me and I would just ask that it be respected, even if you don’t believe it or have a different interpretation than the one I give. I hope that it can help someone.
In January of 2017 I knelt down to pray after reading my scriptures. During the prayer I decided to ask, as I often do, if the Church was true and if I was on the right path in life. An answer came in the form of a voice in my head, as much a feeling as it was words, which said. “Don’t put so much emphasis on the men who lead the Church.”
I was shocked! At the time I thought it meant the Church wasn’t true, but over the years I’ve come to learn that it was a calling for me to live on a higher spiritual plane than I had been. God needed me to be a more independent thinker and seek personal revelation more often in my life. I needed to find out what God wanted my life to look like, and it was okay for it to look different from the “typical” Mormon. On the outside I’m sure it sometimes looks like my beliefs suddenly changed and that I’ve become hostile to the Church (I even had someone bear their testimony to me online recently, which was a weird experience), but in reality that revelation gave me permission, in my own mind, to begin living my life more authentically while still following God’s covenant path.
As I’ve allowed myself to examine and honor my own thoughts more fully, I’ve found I honestly do agree with the Church on many topics. I’ve also discovered my views on other topics have evolved, to the point where l, at least personally, stand completely at odds with the Church. Gay marriage and abortion are a couple examples of this for me. As I’ve examined my deepest personal feelings and weighed real-world experiences with the teachings of the Church, I believe the Church has done more harm than good with its stances on these topics. Even though I believe its wrong in those instances, I still believe the Church has real authority from God and is lead by a modern-day prophet. Both of those things can be true for me.
Me having those beliefs doesn’t mean I’m definitely right or that everyone should believe that way, and I do not try to claim authority over the Church in any way. I’ve come to be at peace with the fact that my beliefs are different than most members. I still attend the temple. I still read my scriptures. I haven’t suddenly turned into a Godless heathen, rather, I now feel the freedom to explore my beliefs and feelings without the fear of punishment from God. I believe what I believe, and I try to be true to that, and I know that God honors that authority within me.
One last story that’s always stuck with me. During the 2012 general conference, President Thomas S. Monson announced a lowering in age for missionary service. It seemed pretty earth-shattering at the time, and I instantly accepted it as God’s will. About a year later, however, a general authority came and visited us in our mission, and he asked us if we had prayed to know that the the age change had come from God. The thought to pray about something that had come directly from the prophet had never occurred to me! After all of us said no, he said something to the effect of, “That is not how this Church works. We are not to blindly follow. We are built on personal revelation.”
Long story short, you might disagree with the Church sometimes, and that’s okay. If no one ever did we might still be living with polygamy and the priesthood ban. You are God’s most powerful creation, and he created each of us differently. He wants us to keep covenants, prayerfully follow the Prophet’s counsel, obey the commandments, AND he honors the diversity of thought and personal authority we each bring to the table. I believe the Church, and the world, will become a better place as more people embrace this part of themselves.
