What My (Almost) Thirties Would Say to My Twenties: Grace, Religion, and Mental Health

    As my thirtieth birthday quickly approaches, here are three things I would say to my younger self.

    "Things are going to be okay. You are loved."

In October 2016, when I was 23, I sat down to take the Optometry Admissions Test. As I got to my exam chair and waited for the computer to finish loading, a sense of pure dread and hopelessness came over me. What had I gotten myself into? I had only been studying for three weeks and had just switched to a pre-med major a year earlier. The only study resource I had was a twenty-dollar, used Kaplan book I’d purchased off the internet. I hadn’t even taken organic chemistry yet, but somehow, I had the audacity to sign up for this extremely difficult, hours-long exam.

I was paralyzed with a fear of failure and shame at being so woefully underprepared. Knowing I couldn’t take the test in this state of mind, I bowed my head in prayer. The following phrase came to my mind.

“Look at how far you’ve come in just one year.”

Immediately, the fear and shame were gone, replaced by feelings of grace and love which I knew came from God. I calmly took the rest of the test and scored just enough to be considered competitive for optometry school.

I know reading about that experience is probably frustrating for some. Most people spend months studying and thousands of dollars to prepare for that exam, and that’s what should be done. If I ever have a child and she wants to pursue a doctorate or a master’s degree, you better believe I’ll be getting her every resource available. I don’t believe God will bail us out of situations we willfully choose not to prepare for. He does not. Trust me, I learned that the hard way once I started optometry school. No, what I was taught in that moment was that God will meet us where we are, all we need to do is trust in him and follow the path he places before us. His Grace is sufficient for all of us. I was a first-gen college student, riddled with anxiety and flying by the seat of my pants, who decided he wanted to become an eye doctor. I had no idea what I was doing, but I was doing the best I could with what I had.  I know God saw me for who I was in that moment and offered me some grace and mercy to help push me along my desired path.

"Speaking of anxiety, please get that treated.”

If the fact that I got such clear communication from God seems strange to you, that’s because it is! When I remember that I think, “Wow, was I really that tapped in with God that I received an answer to prayer like that? What am I doing wrong now, because I never get answers like that anymore?”

While I think part of the answer probably lies in me not being as invested in my spirituality as I could be during optometry school, the biggest reason I no longer get such clear answers to prayer is I no longer need them as much.

I used to get crazy answers to prayers all the time. My journals from that stage of life are filled with similar experiences! I was told where to go to school, where to live, who to date/break up with, even what direction to walk on campus so that I’d have an inspired encounter with someone.

For the longest time I thought this was because of me being faithful, but as I’ve gotten older, I’ve learned the exact opposite was true. I was just so anxious all the time that I wouldn’t make any decisions until God gave me direction. A famous scripture from my religion states:

26 For behold, it is not meet that I should command in all things; for he that is compelled in all things, the same is a slothful and not a wise servant; wherefore he receiveth no reward.

27 Verily I say, men should be anxiously engaged in a good cause, and do many things of their own free will, and bring to pass much righteousness;

28 For the power is in them, wherein they are agents unto themselves. And inasmuch as men do good they shall in nowise lose their reward.

29 But he that doeth not anything until he is commanded, and receiveth a commandment with doubtful heart, and keepeth it with slothfulness, the same is damned. (Doctrine and Covenants 58)

Yep, that was me! The slothful servant. Although, I don’t think I was losing my reward or being damned. God simply understood how severe my untreated anxiety was, and he gracefully provided me with the help I needed to navigate a crucial part of my life. He eventually led me to therapy and medical treatment, which completely changed me.

God still guides my life today, especially with important choices. The difference is I now move with confidence in my decision-making, trusting that God is in the details of what I do, and I don’t need to hear his voice or receive a sign to know I’m doing the right thing . The power and knowledge to do the right thing is already in me and has been all along.

“The Grace of Jesus Christ is the end all, be all.”

Deeply interwoven into the fabric and culture of my religion is the false idea that only our righteous acts can bring about God’s love and mercy, and it wreaks havoc, particularly, on the minds of those with anxiety. I spent so much of my early twenties trying to be good enough, and I wish I could go just back, shake my younger self by the shoulders, and yell “You don’t need to be good enough! Jesus already was. Just be happy, please!”

While there are a few verses in the Book of Mormon that get interpreted (incorrectly, I believe) as us needing to earn God’s grace, the next two scriptures speak eloquently to what our true doctrine is and what our culture should reflect:

17 And it came to pass that as I was thus racked with torment, while I was harrowed up by the memory of my many sins, behold, I remembered also to have heard my father prophesy unto the people concerning the coming of one Jesus Christ, a Son of God, to atone for the sins of the world.

18 Now, as my mind caught hold upon this thought, I cried within my heart: O Jesus, thou Son of God, have mercy on me, who am in the gall of bitterness, and am encircled about by the everlasting chains of death.

19 And now, behold, when I thought this, I could remember my pains no more; yea, I was harrowed up by the memory of my sins no more. (Alma 36)

25 Adam fell that men might be; and men are, that they might have joy.(2^nd Nephi 2)

The minute we cry out to Jesus and turn our minds towards him, His Grace begins to heal our hearts. There’s nothing we need to do to earn that. And we are here to have JOY. That’s it. Younger me would have benefitted so much from truly understanding this.

            I am the happiest I have ever been, and I attribute that greatly to understanding these three principles. I look forward to my thirties and continuing to grow in joy and happiness, and to hopefully sharing that with others along the way.

 Left: Me with my forever companion at (almost) 30 Right: Me with my mission companion at (almost) 20