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The topic of my post today is a touchy one, especially for people who have ties to the LDS church. Nonetheless, this topic was the main motivation for me to start writing about important topics in my blog rather than just telling people about my day-to-day activities, as interesting as those are. I wasn't exactly sure how to approach it, so I decided to start with other topics to see how they were received. I started with the Wonder Woman post, which was received pretty dang well. Then the pornography post absolutely exploded, and I am super grateful for all the support and messages Nick and I received, sometimes from people we did not even know. Now, I feel that it is the right time to post what has been on my mind this whole month.
I'm going to talk today about going through a crisis of faith, and how we can overcome them. Many people decide to leave the Church, and sometimes it can be hard to understand why. It is not my intention today to discuss any particular tenets of Church history or it's doctrine, but rather to share some principles that I've learned in my own life that I think all of us should try to apply. If you do have specific questions I would invite you to personally contact me and I'd love to share with you some of my personal insights and opinions. I don't consider myself an expert by any means, but I would love to help and will do my best to at least point you in the right direction. I encourage loving, intelligent conversation, and it is okay if we end up disagreeing. Diversity in opinions and beliefs makes the world a better place.
What has weighed heavily upon my heart lately is the lack of understanding I see on both sides of the argument. I see many active members who vilify people who have left by tearing them down and acting as if they are completely possessed by Satan or something and need to be avoided. While those who leave often treat active members with complete contempt, treating them as if they were nothing more than brainwashed sheep who can't think for themselves. In all honesty, I've seen bad examples on both sides that fit these descriptions, but I don't believe it is true for either majority. Seeing things like this really gets to me, especially because my own mother used to be a member of the Church, and I don't think that either of us think that way about each other. I love her very much, and I always will whether or not we have the same beliefs. I know by her actions since I've joined the Church that she feels the same way.
The best way I can think of addressing this is by sharing a personal experience. During my post about pornography I indicated that coming home from my mission was bitter-sweet for multiple reasons, and that Elder Werber being sent home was only one of those reasons. I'll elaborate on what I meant by that.
I was baptized into the Church in May of 2011. I had many wonderful experiences that confirmed to me that it was the Church of Jesus Christ. That whole summer was great as I read the scriptures, learned about my Heavenly Father and his plan for me, and ultimately made the decision that I wanted to serve a mission. Then, I left for Flagstaff to start my first semester of college at NAU. While I was there, I faced challenges that I hadn't really considered beforehand. For example, I was a geology major and I wanted to become a paleontologist. Well, as I sat through my lectures I started to remember how much scientific evidence there is for the age of the Earth and the fact that believing in organic evolution is a given if you want to become a paleontologist. I remember tossing and turning because I couldn't seem to reconcile those scientific findings with what I thought I was supposed to believe as a member of the Church. I soon learned, however, that the Church does not take a stance on the age of the Earth or evolution (even though many people might tell you otherwise) and that in fact there have been a number of prominent mormons who accept those scientific findings and see no issue between them and the scriptural accounts of The Creation. I was pretty excited to learn this. This meant that within the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints I could still hold on to my love for science while being completely dedicated to serving Jesus Christ. For some reason I was under the impression that it would be one or the other. My love for the Restored Gospel grew even more at this point, because I realized it was okay to be different, and that I wasn't expected to be a mindless sheep. God wants me to think and reason for myself. Even though I am no longer in pursuit of becoming a paleontologist, evolution and the age of the earth are still important subjects to me. I take any chance I get I explain to people how I reconcile my faith with science, and I explain to them why I believe God works through these wonderful principles. I feel a strong connection to my Heavenly Father and his wisdom as I learn about the diversity of life that has come about through billions of years of evolution here on Earth.
Whoa. Talked about that more than I wanted to, but hey, its important to me! That was my first real trial of faith, and even though it wasn't anti-mormon material I think it prepared me for other things that came. As I went on with my freshman year, things were pretty hard. I survived, however, and I made a lot of great friends who helped me to see the true potential that I had. Before I knew it I was filling out my papers and preparing to serve a mission! The second semester of my freshman year was amazing and it was such a happy time. Many of you will also remember that this time in our history is referred to by many as "The Mormon Moment." Mitt Romney was running for president and that brought a lot of attention, good and bad, to the church. It was difficult to go very much time without running into someone either in person or online who was ready to attack the church and it's beliefs. These people were usually so bitter and angry though that it was easy to dismiss them as crazy and go on with my day. However, at that time I was taking a church history course at the institute, and I soon learned that some of the things people were saying were true. Luckily, my teacher was open and transparent about things and I at least felt comforted in the fact that other people knew about these things and still believed. I knew that even if I couldn't reconcile things right now, if I held on just a little longer and kept studying, I would find the answers I was looking for. I continued to have spiritual experiences and received many answers to prayers all during that time.
Then, after having received my mission call and just a short time before I was supposed to leave, I had what I would call a complete meltdown. I found a particular website claiming to be run by active members of the Church trying to spread knowledge. The information I found was convincing, appeared to be appropriately cited, and was articulated in a calm, educated manner. I was taken completely aback, and I didn't know what to do. Now remember, this was 2012. There was no official essays from the Church on these matters and it was honestly nearly impossible to find any sources that would talk about these problems in a positive light. Maybe a comment on a thread from someone who was a well educated member of the Church, and those helped but they were few and far between. They didn't come close to answering all the questions I had. It was terrible. The worst part about all of this was how I felt. I felt so betrayed. I felt so angry. The missionaries never told me this stuff! What's worse, is they probably didn't even know about it either! I felt like I had been living a lie the last year of my life, and now I felt trapped. How was I going to back out of a mission? So many people were counting on me, and I would look like a total idiot. I knew I couldn't go if I didn't even believe in it. I was at a loss.
Again, what I want to emphasize is how terrible I felt. I think that sometimes as members we can look at people who leave the Church and it's easy for us to assume they are lazy or just don't want to try anymore. Maybe we think that they are just looking for an excuse to leave and live a sinful lifestyle or that they are simply naive for being deceived by falsehoods. That couldn't be further from the truth. I have a hard time even expressing the pain and anguish one starts to feel when they realize something they've invested so much of their life into might not be true. I don't know how else to explain it except that the feeling is absolutely terrible and it sticks with you no matter what you are doing throughout the day. I was trying to do all the right things to get ready for my mission, but I just couldn't feel any better. It is a darkness I don't ever wish on anybody.
I had decided that I would go to Church one last time but after that if I couldn't overcome this I would need to open up and admit to myself and others that this isn't what I wanted to do. I couldn't continue living my life like this. I wanted so bad for the Church to be true and I wanted so bad to feel the type of happiness and joy I felt when I had first been baptized. I prayed for God to help me know if it was still true. I got up Sunday and I went to Church. I felt that if I was going to feel better about this or find answers, it would be at Church. I didn't talk to anybody and I went and sat by myself on the foldable chairs behind the pews. I didn't want anybody to know what I was thinking or going through. My desire was to simply sit quietly by myself and try to allow the Spirit to testify to me that these things were true (if the Spirit was even still a real thing). I did get an answer, but in a rather unexpected way. A man who I did not know at all came up and sat next to me. He told me his name was Isaac Wilson and that he had been at my baptism over a year ago but since he worked for the airlines and his sunday attendance was sporadic and because I had moved to Flagstaff for about a year, this was the first time he had seen me since. I said that was nice and we chatted throughout most of the sacrament meeting. Towards the end, and without any prompting from me, he said "You know you have to be careful with what you read on the internet." What the heck. Now he had my attention. He explained to me what correlation was and then told me that the Church was in the process of trying to publish as much info as possible about early Church history so that members had a place to turn when they had questions. Specifically he told me about the Joseph Smith Papers project and he directed me to a website not owned by the church but run by members who were trying to dispel a lot of the lies and half truths out there. Honestly, a half truth can be worse than a complete lie because there is at least some element of truth and it can easily persuade or manipulate one into not researching more. Again, I never told this man about any of the questions I had or what had been bothering me. He just came up and told me this stuff. That was the only Sunday I ever saw him before my mission, and it was the Sunday I needed him the most. I walked out of Church that day knowing that Heavenly Father loved me and that he needed me to serve him. He had answered my prayers in a very personal and unexpected way. It was exactly what I needed to keep me going on my journey of faith.
To be honest, I wasn't that big on the website. It did help me find a lot of answers to my questions though and I got to see a different point of view. I could sense while reading the website that I wasn't reading authorized answers to my questions, just educated guesses and opinions. I would need to find my own answers, and that was okay because now I trusted that God was aware of me and he would eventually help me to find peace and answers. Slowly but surely I began to find references to all the Church history issues that bothered me from Church approved sources. I even found whole books on some of them sitting right on the shelf at Deseret Book. I soon realized that the Church hadn't been hiding anything. They hadn't been the most transparent, and they needed to be better about that, but any diligent student could find the information they were looking for. It was just a long and arduous task to do. I'm glad to say that today I believe the Church is headed in the right direction with the essays and other efforts being made to change the way we teach our own history, and hopefully future generations will not go through the same type of experience that I did.
Eventually, I left on my mission. Even though I felt that it is what I had truly been called to do, that dark feeling still hadn't completely gone away. My doubts about the Church were still very much present and they bothered me quite a bit. My journal from the MTC is constantly filled with statements like this one: "...Every once in awhile I get pretty down. I'm also having some testimony issues. I know that will pass though, they always do. I have a great love for the gospel, and I shouldn't worry so much about early church leadership because really not a ton is known about it. The Spirit is what's important..." I was struggling, but I was also growing every single day. Particularly I can remember Elder Holland coming on thanksgiving and bearing a powerful testimony of the divine calling of the prophet Joseph Smith, imperfections and all. Once I got into the field it was hard to teach people who were still having doubts all the time about what I was teaching. What I decided to do was read the Book of Mormon all the way through, and to do so diligently every day. At about the eight month mark I finally got my answer. I found it in Mormon chapter 8 verse 12. Almost at the end of the book! It reads as follows:
This is a motto that I have tried to live my life by ever since. In everything, not just in spiritual matters. Nothing is ever going to be perfect. If you decide to not give someone a chance because they have some glaring flaw that you don't like, you may be missing out on what that person really has to offer you. That could for friendships, dating, roommates, etc. For me at that time, it was that if I kept focusing on the mistakes made in the early Church, I would be missing out on everything that the gospel actually had to offer. The Gospel of Jesus Christ offers me the opportunity to change and to be a better man. It offers the ability to repent and make covenants with my Heavenly Father. From that moment on, I decided to not dwell on those doubts that I had, and I instead started to focus on the things that I did know were true. I knew that prayers were answered, I knew that the Book of Mormon had teachings that inspired me and applied to my life, and I knew that through the atonement, Jesus Christ offered me power to be better.
The next year and four months of my mission were amazing. The Lord was able to teach me things about myself that maybe I wouldn't have learned otherwise. From time to time, I would inadvertantly find an answer to a Church History problem I had. The difference was that I didn't have to go look for it. Rather, as I committed myself to the work of saving souls I was led to the answers I had been seeking for so long, all I had to do was show God some faith and patience. Everything was great, until about two weeks before I went home. One night as I was talking to Elder Werber, he had a question. I don't remember exactly what it was, but I told him that the next day we could go to the internet cafe and see if we couldn't find an answer. We found a pretty satisfactory answer on the website I mentioned before, but I felt myself becoming overcome with doubt and fear just as I was before my mission. I couldn't believe it. It had been two whole years, and this stuff still bothered me so much. The feeling was so much worse than it was the first time, because now I felt hopeless. If two years of a mission and such powerful expeiences with the Holy Ghost hadn't made these things go away, what would? The last two weeks of my mission are most likely the darkest and depressing time of my life that I can look back on. I felt that everything had been for nothing, and that I was just going to go home and leave the Church anyways. Elder Werber's experience with going home didn't really help much either.
I got home in a sense of limbo. Fortunately, I knew that I had gotten through this before and that I could do it again. My testimony of the restored gospel had also grown considerably since before my mission, and I knew what to do. I kept reading, praying, and going to Church. I also decided to make the temple a very important part of my life. At times I felt like the biggest hypocrite in the world, but I still believed deep down within that I would beat this. I decided to make institute a priority and I signed up for a night class at the campus nearest to my house. I don't want to sound too dramatic, but without the class and the teacher that I signed up for that first and second semester that I was home, I don't know if I would have made it. Brother Richardson was able to reach me in a way I don't think any other institute teacher could have at the time, at least not any that I know. Now, he is not for everybody. To this day that is the only class I've ever been to where AC/DC would be played in the middle of a lesson. It was so bizarre, and to be honest it almost scared this little self-righteous returned missionary away. Luckily I stayed. It was a class on the Pearl of Great Price, which was perfect because my biggest concerns at the time had to do with the Book of Abraham and the role of freemasonry in the temple ceremony. He was so open and honest, but he also never gave us an easy way out. He would bring up a controversial topic, drop the facts on it, and then let us make up our own minds about it. "Does it bother you?" he would ask. He didn't try to sugar coat anything either. That was kind of frustrating at first, but it also forced me to have to go get my own answer. I couldn't rely on any bubbly feelings or someone else's words.
Actually, that was the most important principle that I learned in that class. I was trying for so long to "feel" better about everything, and that wasn't the correct way to approach my problems. I believe we've learned too much as members of the Church to rely only on our feelings. We as members tend to directly connect our feelings to the spirit, but we should remember that feelings are only one of the vehicles through which the Spirit operates. We tend to think that if we feel distressed or fearful then that means that something is wrong. The reality is that we are humans! Sometimes we're going to feel pretty bad, especially when we don't understand something, and if we are not careful we can have the unrealistic expectation that God will make all of our bad feelings of fear or doubt go away... But God does not work like that. He gives us little nuggets of truth as we faithfully put one foot in front of the other. It's also important to note that just because you feel really good about something that doesn't necessarily mean that you are experiencing something from the spirit. Our emotions can be pretty fluid, and we should learn to rely on actual personal experiences and fact, and our feelings will help to confirm those. In my personal experiences, God has used the spirit in multiple ways to teach me, whether be through other people, scriptures, or extraordinary experiences. As I have faithfully responded to those things, then good feelings have come.
It took me awhile, but I did finally get to a place where I felt completely confident in the Gospel again. I still am confronted all the time by things I don't understand, but I've now learned how to approach them. Here's what I do:
- I take a deep breath. A lot of times when presented with negative material about the Church, people are just trying to shock you and get you to react. You should respond, but not react. Take a deep breath, get a drink of water, go for a walk, whatever. When you are in a calm, peaceful state of mind go ahead and readdress the topic. If you try to address it while in a distressed and emotional state, you will be more prone to draw incorrect conclusions about what you're studying. You may even find that just by taking a step back you're able to reason it in your mind pretty easily.
- I try to recognize any incorrect paradigms I may be operating in. A lot of times when something bothers me I realize it's because it's disproving something that was already incorrect in my mind anyways. For example, the reason my scientific studies originally bothered me was because I held an incorrect understanding of what the doctrine of the Church actually taught. Once I realized that I could and should operate outside of a "Young Earth Creationist" type mindset, any cognitive dissonance or discomfort disappeared and i was able to really investigate and learn.
- I make sure I'm not unnecessarily connecting unrelated events. Regularly when I read these things I automatically go from A to C, and I completely skip B. Usually B doesn't even exist either! If I find a quote by Brigham about Black people that doesn't quite seem right, does that automatically mean that everything else we believe is wrong? No! It means Brigham Young said something he shouldn't have said!
- The last one makes this one important. God works through imperfect people. Prophets can and have made mistakes. Only God is perfect, and he can work with mistakes that are made. I've learned that if I want God to be patient with my mistakes, he expects me to be patient with others.
- I remember the experiences I've already had. I don't give up the ground I've already won. Keeping and revisiting my journal helps me to do that.
- I do things that build my faith; prayer, scriptures, church, the temple, service, institute, etc. Remember that the Spirit is the real teacher, and the more things I do to invite his presence the better chance I have of receiving an answer. If I decide to stop doing those things (and sometimes I really want to) then I am making it a lot harder on myself.
- Study accurate and reputable information. Sometimes this means reading an actual book or going to the library. The internet doesn't hold all truth. Also remember that this Church was founded on the basis of being able to learn for ourselves and receive personal revelation, no one is expecting you to blindly follow something you don't believe in.
- Go to the temple. I already said this, but it deserves its own bullet point.
- I give The Lord equal time. Be patient. Answers always come.
I understand that many people have had different experiences than me. I don't know why I was able to receive answers when so many of my friends struggled for years, many times to no avail. But I do know that God knows and loves every single one of us. I know that Jesus Christ is at the center of all of this. We all have crosses to bear, and I believe that for me one of those crosses is a bit of a doubtful heart and an overly analytical brain. I also believe that that same heart and brain have been a blessing and that because of them I've been able to lift my testimony to a higher plane, and I will continue to do so!
I want my friends who have left the church to know that I do my very best to understand them. On at least some levels I can empathize with you because I've had my own struggles with my faith, and so have many other members. I do not blame you for making the decisions you've made, because to be honest if I hadn't received the help that I did I don't know if could have continued in the Church feeling the way that I did. I love you and I respect you, and I ask for the same from you.
For my friends who are still in the Church, we have a lot of work to do. First, let's stop trying to oversimplify why people leave the Church. In fact, I would suggest that we don't even bother trying to analyze why our friends left. Instead, let's just love them. Because in reality, when we try to come up with an excuse for why someone left, what are we really doing? We aren't trying to understand or love that person, we are trying to defend the Church. We are trying to justify our own beliefs when no one is even asking us to do that. Defending the Church is important and we should do all we can to dispel false doctrine, especially in order to avoid those incorrect paradigms I spoke about, but that's not what people are looking for. Our friends are frustrated and distressed here, and I feel like sometimes we don't even try to address that. I remember sitting in a devotional that was a type of Q & A. The members of the audience had anonymously submitted questions, and the members of the panel would do their best to answer them. One young man read a question that addressed a pretty controversial point of our doctrine, and I was intrigued to see how he would answer it. To my surprise he said "Well, I think that's kind of a silly question." and then he proceeded to NOT answer the question. My heart sank for whoever had asked the question in the first place. Not only was their doubt not addressed, but now they probably felt embarrassed and would most likely turn to other sources for guidance. Situations like this are far too common.
We can do better than that. Just because something doesn't bother me, doesn't mean that it shouldn't bother someone else. If we can't empathize, let's at least try to sympathize. Potentially leaving something that you love as much as the Church is hard, and the pain is just as real as any other trial we might be facing. Let's stay firm in our beliefs, but let's also attempt to understand where our friends are coming from. Also, if you don't know what you're talking about, it is probably best to go find someone who does. There is no need to just throw something out there for the sake of sounding smart or winning an argument. Poor research always comes back to bite you in the butt, I've learned that the hard way.
I received this facebook message from a friend recently. This is a friend who is no longer actively attending the Church:
"Hey man! I was thinking about you the other day and I just wanted to reach out to you and let you know how much I respect you. I know we didn't get to know each other very well personally, but I never got to thank you for the conversation we had on Facebook...... And I honestly mean that. I appreciate the fact that you were willing to engage me in difficult hard topics that most people wouldn't dare talk about. I know I may have said things that were harsh or maybe even hurtful, and for that I apologize. But honestly I'm just grateful that you were willing to be my friend enough to talk to me and call me out on things that I said but also share with me your beliefs. Everyone's beliefs are valid, and at the time I think I had a lot of anger behind my words. I've been able to diffuse that since, but because of that I've just been reflecting on little things in my life that I feel like had a bigger impact. Anyways, I hope you have a good day man! If you ever need anything, know that you can count on me to be your friend and be there."
Notice that this is not a message from some lazy, sinful heathen who has been deceived by Satan. He is a human being just like you and me, and he's doing the best he can. I wish I could tell you all of my relationships with friends who have left are like this, because they aren't. But these are the types of loving, compassionate, and intelligent conversations both sides should be striving to have. It is more important that we love people and keep our relationships intact than it is that we prove that we are right or that we defend our beliefs.
Pure, Christ-like love will heal relationships and ultimately change the world. Please don't throw out relationships because for the time being you don't see eye to eye on things. One day, it will all make sense.
32 Yea, verily I say unto you, in that day when the Lord shall come, he shall reveal all things--
33 Things which have passed, and hidden things which no man knew, things of the earth, by which it was made, and the purpose and the end thereof--
34 Things most precious, things that are above, and things that are beneath, things that are in the earth, and upon the earth, and in heaven.
Doctrine & Covenants 101:32-34
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